Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Recent Insights From the New York Times

In their review of Twilight, that vegan vampire-babe filled saga I've been counting down to for Seventeen.com:

"Based on the foundational book in Stephenie Meyer’s best-selling multivolume series, “The Twilight Saga” (four doorstops and counting), this carefully faithful adaptation traces the sighs and whispers, the shy glances and furious glares of two unlikely teenage lovers who fall into each other’s pale, pale arms amid swirling hormones, raging instincts, high school dramas and oh-so-confusing feelings, like, OMG he’s SO HOT!! Does he like ME?? Will he KILL me??? I don’t CARE!!! :)"

The Sunday Times Magazine, on Miley Cyrus:

"In the video for '7 Things' she wears Nick’s diabetes dog tags while singing about how his vanity and insecurity undermined their relationship. The Brett Ratner video shows a variety of bummed teenage girls crying, screaming, punching teddy bears and freaking out. Miley is its charismatic center. When she flashes Nick’s dog tags and a picture of the two of them together, she seems so vindictive and so embarrassingly vulnerable, just like . . . a 15-year-old suffering her first serious heartbreak, basically. 'When you mean it I’ll believe it, if you text it I’ll delete it,' she sings, perfectly capturing our confusing age of technologically mediated courtship."

And this delicious bio of Obama's new chief of staff Rahm Emanuel:

He was born Nov. 29, 1959, in Chicago. He received a liberal arts degree from Sarah Lawrence College, and a masters from Northwestern. He served briefly as a civilian volunteer on an Israeli military base during the Persian Gulf war of 1991. In his youth, Mr. Emanuel badly cut a finger on a meat slicer while working at an Arby’s. The wound became infected, and he lost half of the middle finger on his right hand. The shortened digit is something of a trademark. As a young man, Mr. Emanuel trained as a ballet dancer. His brother, Ari Emanuel, a Hollywood agent, is the model for the abrasive agent Ari Gold in the HBO series “Entourage.”

Monday, November 24, 2008

From the Interoffice E-mail Annals

From: Acacia M. O'Connor 
Sent: Monday, November 24, 2008 10:21 AM
To: WorkStaff
Subject: turkey legs in the kitchen  

Team - Had a bunch of stuff leftover from early thanksgiving so there's some delicious homemade oversized turkey drumsticks in the kitchen! I know I sure could use a little dark meat on a Monday Morning, I don't know about you. :-) I ask that you take just one so there's enough to go around. THX!!



Acacia M. O'Connor
Assistant to the Assistant Director of Communications
ph.: (202) 555-5555fax: (202) 900-9000

Friday, November 21, 2008

Words in (Cyber)Space: The Collected Text Messages of Elizabeth Bishop and Robert Lowell

From: liz bishop
the art of losing. Where the f are my keys?? Shit.
Nov 20, 7:34 pm


From: rob l.
Did you lose them?? i'm losin it here -my minds not right. Fucking boston is cold as balls
Nov 20, 7:38 pm


From: liz bishop
Ew balls are gross
Nov 20, 7:41 pm


From: rob l.
You've got to get over that shit if you're going to be a poet. that reminds me - when u comin over?
Nov 20, 7:44 pm


From: liz bishop
Dont try to booty call me. U kno im lez rite?
Nov 20, 7:50 pm


From: rob l.
Um you're not over that yet? I thought u were playing hard 2 get. whatever i'll wait
Nov 20, 7:51 pm


From: rob l.
marry me!
Nov 20, 7:54 pm


From: liz bishop
I mean if neither of us is married by the time we're like forty i'll consider it. Go bone anotehr liz. And yo fuck prop 8 in CA. Wanna go 2 brazil?
Nov 20, 7:54 pm


From: rob l.
you're killing me. Ok Fine. But I'm bringing other liz and no Fucking way am i wearing shorts
Nov 20, 7:56 pm


From: liz bishop
I have a gf
Nov 20, 7:56 pm


From: rob l.
Nov 20, 7:57 pm


From: liz bishop
Fine. But with me other liz and my girl. Ur not invited. Go hang with jerrell.
Nov 20, 7:58 pm


From: rob l.
whatever. den't be a bitch. i got some scotch and valium - just come over
Nov 20, 8:02 pm


From: liz bishop
ooh i like scotch
Nov 20, 8:03 pm


From: rob l.
Who doesn't? Liz....
Nov 20, 8:04 pm


From: liz bishop
What kind of scotch?? I'm only coming over if it costs over a hundred bucks an ounce
Nov 20, 8:05 pm


From: rob l.
forget how much the effing scotch costs. Its good scotch- i have something to tell you
Nov 20, 8:06 pm


From: liz bishop
God. What.
Nov 20, 8:06 pm


From: rob l.
i love you! you know you love me too!
Nov 20, 8:07 pm


From: liz bishop
Rob i don't know how to tell you this or how many times I've got to tell you. im lezbo! I'm a sam ron and you will never be my lilo.
Nov 20, 8:11 pm

From: rob l.
wtf i'm a poet- i'm sensitive. And i'm an effing lowell! You're just pulling a K Perry.
Nov 20, 8:15 pm


From: liz bishop
ur a fag
Nov 20, 8:39 pm


From: rob l.
i hate my life. . drunk. Wnt to diie ;-( &knzff
Nov 20, 8: pm


From: liz bishop
come on robbie. chill man. hold on. i'm coming over. save some booze for me.
Nov 20, 8:43 pm
Stored: Nov 20, 9:01 pm


Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Scientists Discover Main Gate is Actually Morality Sinkhole

Second Morality-free alternate dimension suspected to surround THs

Scientists made an alarming discovery on Monday when, upon entering the Main Gate of Vassar College, a small liberal arts college in the heart of the scenic Hudson River Valley, they passed into what has now been dubbed a "morality sinkhole."

The perimeter of the void encompasses the entirety of the main campus, researchers say, with a satellite abyss surrounding the Town Houses and Prentiss Fields. Additional hotspots include the fifth floor of Lathrop House and the Mug. Authorities speculate that further, off-campus morally depraved hot-spots may exist at selection locales on LaGrange Ave and College Ave.

Within these bounds, actions typically considered illicit, promicuous, immoral, sinful or just plain fucked up are rendered harmless, null and socially acceptable upon entering the gates.

The news about the value-free parallel universe caused mixed reactions on campus and in the Poughkeepsie community.

Many faculty members and administration seemed shocked by the revelation and expressed deep concern for what the news might mean for the future of the college, an esteemed member of the Seven Sisters schools and a historic bastion of liberal elitism.

"Of course we're alarmed, and we're doing all we can to ensure the security and well-being of our students consciences," said President Catharine Bond Hill in an e-mailed statement. "We think our student's virtues are on par with our peer institutions. They certainly can't be any less moral than Bard or Wesleyan. Or even, God forbid, Yale."

She added that in the coming days the college would be forming an emergency ad hoc committee and several sub-committees consisting of both students, faculty and staff to help solve the crisis. Additionally there will be a town hall style meeting in UpCDC where a panel of experts, including the head of Sociology Department, College trustee Meryl Streep, editors from student erotica magazine Squirm, and formerly promiscuous VC alum and campus legend Meg Prossnitz '08, will talk about their feelings on this important issue.

Students and alumni, however, showed no signs of surprise.

"I mean, it's pretty much known, I feel. It's just a sense you get of 'anything-goes,'" said Sam Bloch '09. "At first it's freeing and you kind of take advantage of it, you gain a sense of moral depravity, but then it eventually wears on you."

Recent graduates say re-introduction into a world where right action has intrinsic moral value and treating others poorly has social consequences is a long and arduous process.

"It takes a good six months to regain your moral compass," said Jake Greenberg-Toole '08. "There are like these implicit codes of how to behave out here, and its like if you don't follow them, people won't like you and they definitely won't make out with you."

Other graduates admitted to feeling surprised when members of the opposite sex asked them to go on multiple "dates," that controlled substances were not easily obtained nor are there ample locales to consume them, heavy drinking in the early afternoon was construed as a symptom of alcoholism, people were not "heteroflexible" and public urination had become a punishable offense.

"I got a $250 ticket for peeing on the L-train!" said Nick "Wiggles" Bell '07/8. "Fuck that."

The research team has been working alongside a Spiritual Defense Corps in an attempt to stabilize the area before more feelings were hurt and more emotional problems developed. Lead scientist Henrietta Whitehorn said the cause of the parallel dimension and moral canyon were still unclear, though early tests indicated it may be tied to high levels of callousness and emotional problems, further tied to a disproportionately high level of trust funds among the student population.

However, even recent alums may still be in the danger zone. Any student who is still "dating" (or in the words of students, "casually boning") a current Vassar student is still at risk for emotional damage and possible irreparable harm.

Additionally, on some occasions the moral damage done while on the scenic Poughkeepsie campus may be long-lasting and continue on for months or even years after graduation. "Yeah, I'm still a DJ. I even did the Halloween dance in the Villard Room this year," said Evan Lowell-Stein '06 a.k.a. the aptly named DJ, Friends With Benefits.

"I don't see what the big deal is. It seems like a simple matter of transition," said a member of the class of '08 who asked to remain anonymous due to pending legal action. "I mean, I went from growing weed in my closet in Joss to growing it in my apartment in Park Slope. At least some of what I learned in college transfers into skills for the real world."

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Hawt Obama Girl Seeks Invite to the Ball

SWF seeks OWD (old white dude) with tickets to inaugural ball; will promise companionship, witty banter, dancing, hotness etc. I'll be your Cinderella!! (as in, I will disappear at midnight/run off with a sexy hill press aide) Republicans need not apply, unless you are Aaron Schock.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Alternatives to Gloating

Four years ago at this time, Sam and I were wrote a Backpage called "Alternatives to Suicide." [Because The Misc is shitty and has shoddy archives, this fails to be on the internet. All I can say is it involved drunk-dialing the White House, excessive crying, drinking, and swearing.]

Did I say there were alternatives to gloating? JK! Booyah, in yo' face!

I'll admit, McCain used to be a babe back in the day, but Obama is a babe now and that's all that really counts.

Reactions are best expressed in emoticons:

Friday, October 24, 2008

What the Death of Radar Means (Print is Dead-ish)

Foremost and most importantly, it means that we are totes not rejected by Radar anymore. In a semi-ironic(?) twist of fate, Radar itself has been rejected—rejected by its own investors. Unfortunately, they didn't pay us so we don't super super care. I mean, we care. It's sad. But hey, now we can hook up with our former superiors (says Meg, not me). My main regret is that I never got a chance to take that book about the history of potato chips. And that I transcribed five hours of interviews with Pete Wentz, Pete Wentz's manager, and the fat lead singer of Fall Out Boy. All for naught. Sigh. Despite my being a fairly unproductive intern (though at an internship like this, watching every episode of The Hills and Gossip Girl at work should be considered at least somewhat relevent), I somehow managed the have the lead "story" on the website on the day of its demise. How does this make me feel? My first thought was, "Sweet, the site will totes get more traffic than usual today." My second thought was, "And hey, no one will be updating for a while, so maybe it'll just stay there." Actually my real first thought was, "Shit, I am so applying to grad school."

So, yeah, grad school it is. The recession should be over by the time I've finished an MFA in poetry. Well, and I already emailed Gawker to see if they want any former Radar interns.


So the day after Molly's quiz goes up, Radar folds. What a great time to embark on a career in publishing, huh?

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Why don't you...

watch some cable television.


(What I Did) When I Was (at) Seventeen...

-Met the cast of Degrassi and talked to Snake about "going all the way with Stephanie Kaye." That would be a reference to the 1986 first season of Degrassi Junior High. And yes, that would be the year I was born. Liberty was surprisingly good looking and I'm totes obsessed with Manny.

-Interviewed the stars of Mary Poppins on Broadway.

-Put together this slideshow of pictures of pets dressed up for Halloween by their teenaged girl owners. I like the Yoda dog.

-Yet another Pink makeover slideshow.

-Ashley Tisdale makeover! Some truly bad outfits and a new nose!

-Meet and Greet with rando guy I thought was in a band, but really is an actor and appeared in an episode of Greek.

-Reviewed W., which I have note seen. Because don't you want to know what your president was like when he was 17?

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

You know what sucks?

Graduating from a highly selective, coeducational liberal arts school in the scenic Hudson Valley and still not being able to get a job which will pay by the hour and total around $20k/year. That sucks.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Why don't you...

wear your scarf on your head like Juelz Santana and Jim Jones?

Postcards From Yo Daddy

Email from my dad, the infamous Howard:

Subject: Angst of trying to storm the Ivies -- locked admissions office at Brown!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I Rely on Bed-Stuy to Shut it Down if I Die

When I told my mom I was looking at an apartment in Bed-Stuy she said, no way. She lived in then-cheapo Brooklyn Heights in the early 80's, when Bed-Stuy was probably thought of as the most dangerous neighborhood in BK - I mean, even more than today. So I did my best to convince her otherwise.

I saw the apartment, liked my prospective roomie, and moved in immediately. My first week or two was classic awful-arriving-in-New-York, full of crying, confusion, and despair - or as I fondly called it, the Bed-Stuy Blues. They were the worst when I got a call saying that my neighbor had accidentally opened my mail and it was now waiting for me at the 81st precinct.

I headed over to the station, nervous because there had just been a gunfight in which two cops killed a guy on Hancock, a street that was en route to my destination. Also nerve-wracking was a BBQ held a few days earlier where five people were shot, not far away from my humble abode. I was already having a frustrating morning and couldn't find the station and this lady that I asked for directions (which turned out to be wrong) asked me for money for diapers and I was (still am) absolutely broke and when I said no she badgered me and I started crying, and she shouted after me as I turned around, why are you crying lady? So I did not arrive in the best mood.

The lady cop was not nice to me. No, she was nothing like Lil Wayne describes officers of the female variety in "Mrs. Officer." She asked me, why is your mail here? I replied, um, I have no idea why my crazy neighbor opened my mail and sent it here, I just wanna pick it up and leave. As I filled out a form, Lady Cop asked, why do you live here?

I was all naive. Oh, well I went to school in New York, and all my friends moved to the city afterward, and I want to work here, I said.

She gave me a funny look. No, she said, why did you move here? To this neighborhood?

Excuse me? I thought. I wanted to scream at her, why do you think I live in this neighborhood? Because I enjoy the ambiance of people getting shot a few blocks away from me? I live here because I can't afford to live in Williamsburg like everyone else, meanie Lady Cop!

But I don't remember what I said. I probably just mumbled something about my apartment being the first one I found on Craigslist. Lady Cop took my info and grumbled about not being able to find my package. At one point I asked, isn't it illegal to open someone else's mail?

Yeah, I guess, said Lady Cop with a bored look. Sign here.

I cried to my mom afterward. Meggie, nobody smart becomes a police officer, she said.
In hindsight Lady Cop was probably just having a bad day and took it out on me. But if that shit happened to me today, you bet I'd give her a piece of my mind. I don't want to move to Billyburg anymore because I love where I live. This is my hood, too. I pay taxes. I shop at local stores. I talk to my neighbors and am on a first-name basis with everyone at the bodegas. I go to church (well, went once, I'd like to go again if I could get my ass up on Sunday mornings). So don't give me a hard time, I feel as weird about the hipsters moving in as everyone else. I'm Bed-Stuy and proud baby, so ha.

Sunday, October 12, 2008


The Littlest Lohan Speaks

I am now a real journalist, despite my best efforts to remain a fake one.

For your reading pleasure, my Seventeen.com interview with Ali Lohan.

Friday, October 10, 2008

How to Enjoy Your Time At Vassar: A Guide for Blondes

Radar isn't the only place that reejed me. I guess this senior retrospective for the Misc was too hot to handle.

Arrive at freshman week with a handle of Bacardi Gold in your suitcase. Don’t forget to read section 3.02 of the Freshman Handbook, How to Be Ironic. Smoke a cigarette in the Mug and terrorize Betty. Don’t do the walk of shame, do the stride of pride. When someone compares you to Daisy Buchanan, don’t get upset. Embrace the comparison and run some bitch over. Start your weekend on Wednesday and nearly fail your Thursday 9 am English 170 with Wendy Graham. What the fuck is the mirror phase about anyway? You will only retain one memory of freshman year, so black out wisely.
Sophomore year, try to gain insight from your mistakes. Since you don’t remember the mistakes you made, invent them. Diversify the people you hook up with: otherwise you will have to avoid either the gym and get fat, or the library and get bad grades. Be the other woman. When his girlfriend slaps you at the Halloween party, remember to turn toward the slap. Write a villanelle about the experience. Josh Harmon will tell you it’s the best thing he’s ever read in 205.
Go JYA for the whole year. Break up with your boyfriend and date a 33-year-old native speaker; it’s the only way to become fluent. Never go to class. A year away will give you a clean slate, and most of the people you hooked up with will graduate, so you can go to the gym again.
Upon your return, discover that you can’t fulfill the requirements for your English major. You never got to take cool classes like Queer(y)[ing] the Postmodern Palimpsest, but you do speak Ye Olde Englishe and know “The Rape of the Lock” inside out. Win the superlative for Most Improved. Go to the Mug where Betty says, horrified, “You’re back?” Do not write a thesis. Instead, write a play based on your JYA romance. The whole thing takes place in bed. Make amends with everyone you vomited on. Stay single. You can’t be put in a cage – unless it’s a stripper cage. Don’t know what you’re doing after graduation. But the good news: you have a degree from Vassar. Hopefully the Old Girl Network will get you a job in publishing.

Dye your hair brown.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Bad Dialouge in Music Vids, Part I

Hilarious, old article that Radar never published. Only two vids so far but more coming I promise!

With the VMA's fast approaching, we asked ourselves: why is there no "Best Acting in a Music Video" category? True, it may seem like an oxymoron, but when musicians try to get their thespian on in their videos, the results are usually hilarious. Check out these artists who've earned themselves a spot in the Bad Acting in a Music Video Hall of Fame.

Believe it or not, before Paula Abdul became the resident slurring judge on American Idol, she was a singer herself! Her epic video for "Rush Rush" is based on Rebel Without a Cause and stars Keanu Reeves as tortured misfit Jeff and Paula as lovelorn Julie. The video begins in medias res, with Jeff woefully banging his head against a desk while being questioned by police and looking through a peephole at his parents. "I swore on my soul I'd never be like them!" he wails. We jump between the interrogations of Jeff and Julie, trying to figure out what the hell is going on. And um, it's not very clear - are they sibs or what? Julie's crying. And looks way too old to be in high school. The best so-awful-it's-amazing exchange occurs midway through the video (isn't it so wonderfully corny when they pause the vid for dialogue?), when Jeff tells Julie that as far as ever being in love, "If I was, I didn't know it." Whoa, profound! Keanu's delivery is pure Much Ado About Nothing in this vid, and it's awesome.

What Goes Around Comes Around (no embedding on this one...boo)
Can you believe that the person to blame for the cringe-worthy dialogue in this video is the same guy who adapted the screenplay for Blow? His unfortunate music video directorial debut stars Scarlett Johansson as an annoying dancer who thinks she's witty and Justin as a wimpified version of himself. I mean, would the real Justin Timberlake tell his friend that this chick he's known for a month is "the one"? And what sane woman would say she doesn't want the keys to Justin's castle like ScarJo does in this vid? But "What Goes Around" does get bonus enjoyably-bad points for pausing the video for dialogue, dialogue that just makes us uncomfortable at that! It may be awful, but how can you resist watching two such attractive people make out in drenched clothes in a pool, Leo-and-Claire style? The end justifies the means with this one.

Love, Meggie
Now playing: Lil' Kim - Whoa
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

(What I did) When I was (at) Seventeen (Today)...

-looked through outtakes from Ashley Tisdale's cover shoot

-uploaded another Zac Efron slideshow

-transcribed Littlest Lady Lohan interview (the original grammatically insane transcription coming soon!)

-met Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson

-interviewed "stars" of Nickelodeon's new High School Musical rip-off

This Is Why I'm Hot: A History of VPILFs

Before Sexy Sarah (the woman who holds our nation's hearts and hockey sticks), there was dreamy Johnny Edwards with his nice ass and shiny, shiny hair. Before him? Well, there's been a long line of Vice Presidents I'd Like to Fuck (henceforth, VPILFs) in our nation's history. Let's take a look back and see who all the ladies of the DAR wanted to bone.

And they call it puppy love....

With all the buzz around Sexy Sarah, in addition to the fact that Obama is a HOTTIE, I started thinking about my high school crushes. I am and have always been a huge history/political nerd, and when I was 16 or 17, I developed massive crushes on several world leaders. I'm having some trouble finding publicly held images, but here were my top two. First up was Vicente Fox. I mean, come on, he's got "fox" right in his name. Let's take a look:

Yes. I still agree with teenage Allie. He's got the whole silver fox thing going for him. Points off for being besties with W (they both loved taking long strolls on their ranches, epitomizing "cowboy style" and expelling tons of charisma with every breath). However, Fox was a slow burning love, while my feelings for Putin bordered on out and out obsession. Take a look:

God. Look at those soulful eyes. Plus he was a big mucky muck in the KGB! That might not incite sexual excitement from anyone else, but for me, it's a huge turn-on. He also saved Russia from becoming a totally failed state and launched his national projects in '05 that were made to help the common people, which earns him some serious cred. I'm not totally embarrased that I crushed on him in high school, except for the fact that now everyone thinks he's turned Russia somewhat fascist, operates as the new president's puppet master, and is in fact leading a shadow government of immense power. I can't believe I ever thought he was going to change the power relationship between Russia and the U.S. for the better. Oh well. You know what they say, time makes fools of us all.

I hope Radar is happy...

Because September 2nd, I submitted my application to them for an internship, including some ideas for stories. Looking at it now, I'm shocked at how prescient I was:
"The details and developments of the banking crisis seem all but indecipherable (unless you watch Jim Cramer's Mad Money for weeks straight). This piece would compare various potentially failing banks to trainwreck starlets. Will Washington Mutual fall prey to investor panic and fold like Anna Nicole Smith, or will it pull back from the brink of disaster and emerge as the banking world's Nicole Richie?"
DAMN. And that was before WaMu represented the biggest bank failure in American history! So basically what I'm saying is that Radar hates good journalism that speaks to future events that haven't come to pass yet. Too bad. I guess I'll have to just take my future telling elsewhere (maybe Cosmo?).

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

(What I Did) When I Was (at) Seventeen (Today)...

-interviewed Ali Lohan about her belief in ghosts and spirits

-cropped 35 pictures of Zac Efron

-wrote a makeover slideshow of Pink’s make-up and hair throughout the ages

-wrote a makeover slideshow of Ashley Tisdale’s clothes throughout the ages

-called candy companies to get high-resolution pictures of Life Savers and Sour Patch Kids

-found “the two hottest pictures of Penn Badgley” I could find

-tried to transcribe said Ali Lohan interview


All the things Radar rejected...

Hi. It turns out that the internet is not a fad, much as we would like it to be. What This Means For You: We had to start a blog. A blog of all of our ideas that Radar couldn’t handle. Sigh.


Molly & Meg