Tuesday, June 16, 2009

NYTimes WTF: Miley Cyrus

"Scalpers respond with a metaphysical question: Who is a true Miley Cyrus fan? Anyone who watches Hannah Montana? Someone who shrieks ecstatically at the mention of Cyrus’s name? Who swoons? Scalping provides a way to calibrate a fan’s passion by what she is willing to pay for a ticket. 'I love Miley $50 worth.' 'Well, I love her $100 worth.' "

Add in an "OMG" and this sounds like something I'd write for Seventeen.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Gossip Girl is Art, "Totally Meta" says The New York Times, Me

"Professing his deep admiration for the show’s revelatory narcotic effect, Mr. Phillips cited the overlap between issues he’s tackled on canvas and the many themes explored on “Gossip Girl,” such as 'lost virginity, teen pregnancy, divorce, rape, manslaughter, suspected homicide, teen suicide, gay sexual identity, eating disorders, criminal blackmail, theft, as well as drug addiction and sex with multiple partners.'"
-The New York Times

"Does life imitate Gossip Girl or does Gossip Girl imitate life? Now that's a philosophical conundrum for the ages! They've already got their three real-life cast couples making out on screen (Dan & Serena, Blair & Carter, Chuck & Vanessa) and all over NYC. And now there's another totally meta GG connection! Taylor Momsen, perhaps inspired by Little J's work designing dresses for Eleanor Waldorf, is designing clothes now too! "

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Random House FAIL

RE: Call in for Radar Magazine

Molly- I know it haas been a while—but just wanted to check in and see if anything for THE STORY OF FORGETTING is slated to run? It is coming out in paperback this month

[Redacted], Publicity

Random House, Spiegel & Grau, The Dial Press


How long has it been now since Radar folded? Oh yeah, almost SIX months.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

One Fart

The art of boozing isn’t hard to master;
so many bottles seem filled with my drink
(beer, any kind) that I become disaster.

Like Friday, I meet this guy they call Blaster.
Gross, right? He grabs my ass and I just wink.
The art of boozing isn’t hard to master.

He comes back to my place. We’re playing pastor
and alter boy. God I need a new shrink.
At least the night isn’t quite a disaster.

It’s getting hot and heavy. He goes faster
and I get so close I can’t even think.
The art of boozing is not hard to master.

But then, a stench!—My nose is so harassed or,
rather, burning, I lose it in a blink.
’Kay, now this night is a total disaster.

--He wants to keep going. He’s such a long laster,
but I’m done. I go puke in the sink.
The art of boozing’s not too hard to master,
though it can end in (Smell it!) in disaster.

Friday, February 6, 2009

25 Things About Ze

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you that absolutely no one cares about except for you, because you're uninteresting. At the end, choose 25 unsuspecting and unfortunate people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you, should you choose to engage in this wonderful feat of narcissism. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you, but mainly because I want to talk/think/write/share about myself. Me me me. You are obviously exempt if you have already posted.

To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) click publish, then cry yourself to sleep. Here goes!!
1. I wet the bed for the majority of my childhood... and last night. But that was an accident..2. I aborted your child. Sorry I didn't consult you beforehand.3. I was born with both male and female genitalia4. My great-uncle Rod used to call me Bumblebee and touch me inappropriately5. When I said "it's not you, its me".. yah, about that, it wasn't me. It was totally you. You needed to shower more often.6. I used my roommates razor to shave my special parts in the shower7. When I was born, I had a giant tumor on my neck the size of a tennis ball. They tell me this was my biological twin. I saved him in a jar, which sits next to my bed and whom I refer to as "Mr. Fred."8. I um rally tarable @ spellin & gramar, but whatevs - in like 5 years well be talkin in chat tongue. g2g!!*~*~9. I slept with a guy so I could use his employee discount at Abercrombie10. I had a crush on my second cousin in middle school at which point I learned we were related. Alright, I still have a crush on them.11. My favorite snack to eat alone is dry toast with marinara sauce and gefilte fish. Yummmm.12. I think about Nick Jonas in the shower. Sometimes I imagine all three of them touching me with their soft pre-pubescent hands.13. My Mother loves my sisters more. She told me.14. I enjoy picking my nose.15. Sometimes on warm, spring days, when the birds are chirping and the flowers are blooming and the grass is green and freshly cut, I like to sit outside and lay on the ground and look up at the sky, and at the clouds, and think deep thoughts about, like, life and shit.16.  I'm a bitch sometimes, and I don't think I should feel bad about it. I'm just honest. I am. And that's fine. I don't feel bad at all. Whatever.17. One time I hooked up with this really cute guy, but then I sharted in his bed, and so I could never see him again. I'm pretty sure we would have been soulmates otherwise.18. I live with regrets. I regret a lot, actually. 19. My favorite actor is Mel Gibson - the man is so timeless. 20. Sometimes people ask me why I have a weird look on my face. Generally I am thinking about the ways I could kill them, and what I would do with their bodies. 21. I still sleep with a light on, because I'm afraid, but more because I hate the environment and want to waste as much energy as possible. 22. My favorite book is US Weekly's Style Issue.23. I can't stand the sight of traffic cones, ugh. They are so orangey and triangle-y.24. I think I'm wanted for tax evasion. Add that to the outstanding warrants... LOL!25. One time this girl was being a total beyotch to me, so I ran over her cat with my car. Then I backed up and did it again. Whoopsieeeee. 

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Introducing... The Real World: Congress

This is the true story of 7 congressmen (and women), picked to live in a Capitol Hill row house and have their lives taped. Find out what happens when politicians stop being polite and start getting real. The Real World: Congress.

"Welcome to the House"

"My name is Charles Schumer, but I go by Chuck or sometimes Chuckie (chuckles). Naw, Chuck is fine. I'm the Senior Democratic Senator from NY, I'm 58 years old - born and raised in Brooklyn. What do I love about New York? New York is real, it's scrappy, it doesn't hide itself from anybody - like me, I think I'm kinda like that. I love that and I love Zabar's, especially Dan Zabar, that chunky love machine.

What I hope to get out of this experience is just to have some fun, get some down time. A couple of these guys I've been around a long time (chuckles) some might say too long. Others not so much. I think I can be kinda opinionated but that doesn't mean I don' respect other people's points of views. Unless they are total schmucks, then yeah, not so much. (laughs) Kidding!"

"I'm so thrilled to be here, to be chosen for The Real World, to be chosen by the people of the great state of Illinois. My name is Aaron, I'm a representative of the 18th district Illinois. I'm only 26, but I wouldn't say I'm inexperienced (winks, laughs). This experience is going to be great for me - not only do I get to work with some of these guys on legislation, but I can pick their brains at home. They're all incredible public servants. Especially John McCain, I mean, the man is an American hero.

I would say my style is... well, I don't want to say young - but definitely more modern. The usual politico gettup is pretty restricting; I'm not afraid to diverge a little bit, mix it up with a bit of color in the tie. I'm more than red or blue, you know? I like to go for that middle ground, i.e. purple. Maybe a nice lavender or periwinkle. Well I don't really think too much about fashion, but if I had an icon... hmm a fashion icon? I guess I'd have to go with Brody from the Hills. He's a good mix of casual and flair. He's a good looking guy!"

"What the fuck are we doing again? I'm supposed to talk about myself? Alright, fine. I'm Rahm Emmanuel, I was a rep from Illinois but I was recently called up to be Barack's Chief of Staff. I'm doing this because my wife doesn't want to move back to the Capitol, our family got back settled in Illinois after Clinton. That good? Well what the fuck else do you want me to say? I would say I'm easy to get along with - I mean, there might be some personality differences at first and a little awkwardness with McCain, but I don't think anyone will be causing me major problems.

Yes, it's true my nickname is 'Rahmbo,' but you better tell that little shit Aaron Schock not to even contemplate calling me that if he wants to live in this house. Christ, I hope I just don't get roomed with fucking Schumer... (inaudible grumble) dipshit. Yes! It's true. You wanna see it? (camera swings away and focuses on carpet) Here it is. Here's my finger - happy now?!"

(sleeping in interview chair. snores loudly. voice of camera man can be heard in the background: "Senator McCain? Senator?" Disembodied hand reaches into frame and pokes Senator McCain on the knee. He sits up with a jolt and screams a word that sounds like "VIRGINIA!") Oh right. Hi. Hello friends, my name is John McCain and I'm running for pr --- err -- I'm a Senator from Arizona. (stares off for a moment with slightly glassy eyes) 

My greatest pet peeve? People who don't give American heroes the respect they deserve. Oh and also, these new-fangled boxer-briefs. Are they boxers or are they briefs? Pick one. Back in my day there was just one type of skivvy - young men had more important things to worry about than what covered up their downstairs business. What else? The facebook, and people who walk too fast in a group, oh and the way Chris Matthews mouth is so wide and constantly open. And his blonde hair. Please. Let's not pretend, Chris. I know we can't all be as good-looking with gray hair as Anderson Cooper, but c'mon. Give up the ghost... Now, where was I?"

"He-ey, I'm Michelle Bachmann. I'm from Minnesota. I'm a wife -- been married to my wonderful husband Marcus for 30 years - hi Markie-poo! (wiggles fingers and grins, breaks into giggles) and I'm a mom - we have 23 foster children and 5 real kids. And I'm a senator, too. My favorite things are God - I'm totes hot for Jesus, our Lord and Savior - America and Dancing with the Stars - omigod, did you watch the last season? Rocco DiSpirito is so cute! He's what?? Oh dear. Oh. Ew. Well I will say a prayer for him in that case. Oh dear.."

"WHAT UP AMERICAAAAAAA! DC stand UP! Representing the District - I'm Eleanor Holmes Norton. I'm really looking forward to this year, we're gonna get the vote, I really feel it. Up til now I've been standing on the House floor with my lip zipped, which gets a little frustrating, especially with all the bullllllllssssshit coming out of the mouths of some of my colleagues. (to interviewer) Anyone in the house, you mean? (laughs) Nooooo. Of course not. 

The only conflict I can really see having with anyone in the house is over my cereal. I eat a bowl of Cap'n Crunch with whole milk every morning. It's like my morning coffee. White people drink lattes, I eat my Cap'n Crunch. If I don't get a vote, I better damn well at least get my morning bowl of Cap'n Crunch. Other than that its peaches and cream, baby."

"My name is Bernie Sanders, I'm originally from Brooklyn -- Chuck Schumer and I actually both went to James Madison High there, but I graduated a few years before him. Fucking Brooklyn, its all overrun by those damn kids with those weird hats and the whatsit terrorist scarves. Now I live in Vermont. I'm a democratic socialist and an independent, politically speaking. My favorite way to relax? Well, lets just stick with 'herbal remedies' for the sake of the FCC. That, and farming.
The first thing people notice about me is my glasses, I think. They're kind of distinctive I think. Someone said I look like Ruth Bader Ginsberg, which was supposed to be an insult - clearly, but whatever - have you seen pictures of her back in the day? She was hot. And she's also from BK (what what Brooklyn we roll hard!) and JMHS, so I'm cool with that."  

Stay tuned for episode one. You know that politicians invented backstabbing...