Recent Insights From the New York Times

In their review of Twilight, that vegan vampire-babe filled saga I've been counting down to for Seventeen.com:

"Based on the foundational book in Stephenie Meyer’s best-selling multivolume series, “The Twilight Saga” (four doorstops and counting), this carefully faithful adaptation traces the sighs and whispers, the shy glances and furious glares of two unlikely teenage lovers who fall into each other’s pale, pale arms amid swirling hormones, raging instincts, high school dramas and oh-so-confusing feelings, like, OMG he’s SO HOT!! Does he like ME?? Will he KILL me??? I don’t CARE!!! :)"


The Sunday Times Magazine, on Miley Cyrus:

"In the video for '7 Things' she wears Nick’s diabetes dog tags while singing about how his vanity and insecurity undermined their relationship. The Brett Ratner video shows a variety of bummed teenage girls crying, screaming, punching teddy bears and freaking out. Miley is its charismatic center. When she flashes Nick’s dog tags and a picture of the two of them together, she seems so vindictive and so embarrassingly vulnerable, just like . . . a 15-year-old suffering her first serious heartbreak, basically. 'When you mean it I’ll believe it, if you text it I’ll delete it,' she sings, perfectly capturing our confusing age of technologically mediated courtship."


And this delicious bio of Obama's new chief of staff Rahm Emanuel:

He was born Nov. 29, 1959, in Chicago. He received a liberal arts degree from Sarah Lawrence College, and a masters from Northwestern. He served briefly as a civilian volunteer on an Israeli military base during the Persian Gulf war of 1991. In his youth, Mr. Emanuel badly cut a finger on a meat slicer while working at an Arby’s. The wound became infected, and he lost half of the middle finger on his right hand. The shortened digit is something of a trademark. As a young man, Mr. Emanuel trained as a ballet dancer. His brother, Ari Emanuel, a Hollywood agent, is the model for the abrasive agent Ari Gold in the HBO series “Entourage.”

From the Interoffice E-mail Annals

From: Acacia M. O'Connor 
Sent: Monday, November 24, 2008 10:21 AM
To: WorkStaff
Subject: turkey legs in the kitchen  

Team - Had a bunch of stuff leftover from early thanksgiving so there's some delicious homemade oversized turkey drumsticks in the kitchen! I know I sure could use a little dark meat on a Monday Morning, I don't know about you. :-) I ask that you take just one so there's enough to go around. THX!!

Cheers!

-Acacia

Acacia M. O'Connor
Assistant to the Assistant Director of Communications
ph.: (202) 555-5555fax: (202) 900-9000
aoconnor@post-backpage.com

Words in (Cyber)Space: The Collected Text Messages of Elizabeth Bishop and Robert Lowell

From: liz bishop

the art of losing. Where the f are my keys?? Shit.

Nov 20, 7:34 pm

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From: rob l.

Did you lose them?? i'm losin it here -my minds not right. Fucking boston is cold as balls

Nov 20, 7:38 pm

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From: liz bishop

Ew balls are gross

Nov 20, 7:41 pm

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From: rob l.

You've got to get over that shit if you're going to be a poet. that reminds me - when u comin over?

Nov 20, 7:44 pm

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From: liz bishop

Dont try to booty call me. U kno im lez rite?

Nov 20, 7:50 pm

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From: rob l.

Um you're not over that yet? I thought u were playing hard 2 get. whatever i'll wait

Nov 20, 7:51 pm

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From: rob l.

marry me!

Nov 20, 7:54 pm

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From: liz bishop

I mean if neither of us is married by the time we're like forty i'll consider it. Go bone anotehr liz. And yo fuck prop 8 in CA. Wanna go 2 brazil?

Nov 20, 7:54 pm

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From: rob l.

you're killing me. Ok Fine. But I'm bringing other liz and no Fucking way am i wearing shorts

Nov 20, 7:56 pm

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From: liz bishop

I have a gf

Nov 20, 7:56 pm

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From: rob l.

3some?

Nov 20, 7:57 pm

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From: liz bishop

Fine. But with me other liz and my girl. Ur not invited. Go hang with jerrell.

Nov 20, 7:58 pm

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From: rob l.

whatever. den't be a bitch. i got some scotch and valium - just come over

Nov 20, 8:02 pm

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From: liz bishop

ooh i like scotch

Nov 20, 8:03 pm

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From: rob l.

Who doesn't? Liz....

Nov 20, 8:04 pm

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From: liz bishop

What kind of scotch?? I'm only coming over if it costs over a hundred bucks an ounce

Nov 20, 8:05 pm

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From: rob l.

forget how much the effing scotch costs. Its good scotch- i have something to tell you

Nov 20, 8:06 pm

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From: liz bishop

God. What.

Nov 20, 8:06 pm

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From: rob l.

i love you! you know you love me too!

Nov 20, 8:07 pm

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From: liz bishop

Rob i don't know how to tell you this or how many times I've got to tell you. im lezbo! I'm a sam ron and you will never be my lilo.

Nov 20, 8:11 pm

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From: rob l.

wtf i'm a poet- i'm sensitive. And i'm an effing lowell! You're just pulling a K Perry.

Nov 20, 8:15 pm

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From: liz bishop

ur a fag

Nov 20, 8:39 pm

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From: rob l.

i hate my life. . drunk. Wnt to diie ;-( &knzff

Nov 20, 8: pm

>>>>>

From: liz bishop

come on robbie. chill man. hold on. i'm coming over. save some booze for me.

Nov 20, 8:43 pm

Stored: Nov 20, 9:01 pm

>>>>>

Scientists Discover Main Gate is Actually Morality Sinkhole

Second Morality-free alternate dimension suspected to surround THs

Scientists made an alarming discovery on Monday when, upon entering the Main Gate of Vassar College, a small liberal arts college in the heart of the scenic Hudson River Valley, they passed into what has now been dubbed a "morality sinkhole."

The perimeter of the void encompasses the entirety of the main campus, researchers say, with a satellite abyss surrounding the Town Houses and Prentiss Fields. Additional hotspots include the fifth floor of Lathrop House and the Mug. Authorities speculate that further, off-campus morally depraved hot-spots may exist at selection locales on LaGrange Ave and College Ave.

Within these bounds, actions typically considered illicit, promicuous, immoral, sinful or just plain fucked up are rendered harmless, null and socially acceptable upon entering the gates.

The news about the value-free parallel universe caused mixed reactions on campus and in the Poughkeepsie community.

Many faculty members and administration seemed shocked by the revelation and expressed deep concern for what the news might mean for the future of the college, an esteemed member of the Seven Sisters schools and a historic bastion of liberal elitism.

"Of course we're alarmed, and we're doing all we can to ensure the security and well-being of our students consciences," said President Catharine Bond Hill in an e-mailed statement. "We think our student's virtues are on par with our peer institutions. They certainly can't be any less moral than Bard or Wesleyan. Or even, God forbid, Yale."

She added that in the coming days the college would be forming an emergency ad hoc committee and several sub-committees consisting of both students, faculty and staff to help solve the crisis. Additionally there will be a town hall style meeting in UpCDC where a panel of experts, including the head of Sociology Department, College trustee Meryl Streep, editors from student erotica magazine Squirm, and formerly promiscuous VC alum and campus legend Meg Prossnitz '08, will talk about their feelings on this important issue.

Students and alumni, however, showed no signs of surprise.

"I mean, it's pretty much known, I feel. It's just a sense you get of 'anything-goes,'" said Sam Bloch '09. "At first it's freeing and you kind of take advantage of it, you gain a sense of moral depravity, but then it eventually wears on you."

Recent graduates say re-introduction into a world where right action has intrinsic moral value and treating others poorly has social consequences is a long and arduous process.

"It takes a good six months to regain your moral compass," said Jake Greenberg-Toole '08. "There are like these implicit codes of how to behave out here, and its like if you don't follow them, people won't like you and they definitely won't make out with you."

Other graduates admitted to feeling surprised when members of the opposite sex asked them to go on multiple "dates," that controlled substances were not easily obtained nor are there ample locales to consume them, heavy drinking in the early afternoon was construed as a symptom of alcoholism, people were not "heteroflexible" and public urination had become a punishable offense.

"I got a $250 ticket for peeing on the L-train!" said Nick "Wiggles" Bell '07/8. "Fuck that."

The research team has been working alongside a Spiritual Defense Corps in an attempt to stabilize the area before more feelings were hurt and more emotional problems developed. Lead scientist Henrietta Whitehorn said the cause of the parallel dimension and moral canyon were still unclear, though early tests indicated it may be tied to high levels of callousness and emotional problems, further tied to a disproportionately high level of trust funds among the student population.

However, even recent alums may still be in the danger zone. Any student who is still "dating" (or in the words of students, "casually boning") a current Vassar student is still at risk for emotional damage and possible irreparable harm.

Additionally, on some occasions the moral damage done while on the scenic Poughkeepsie campus may be long-lasting and continue on for months or even years after graduation. "Yeah, I'm still a DJ. I even did the Halloween dance in the Villard Room this year," said Evan Lowell-Stein '06 a.k.a. the aptly named DJ, Friends With Benefits.

"I don't see what the big deal is. It seems like a simple matter of transition," said a member of the class of '08 who asked to remain anonymous due to pending legal action. "I mean, I went from growing weed in my closet in Joss to growing it in my apartment in Park Slope. At least some of what I learned in college transfers into skills for the real world."

Facebook Enters The Theological Debate

Hawt Obama Girl Seeks Invite to the Ball

SWF seeks OWD (old white dude) with tickets to inaugural ball; will promise companionship, witty banter, dancing, hotness etc. I'll be your Cinderella!! (as in, I will disappear at midnight/run off with a sexy hill press aide) Republicans need not apply, unless you are Aaron Schock.

Alternatives to Gloating

Four years ago at this time, Sam and I were wrote a Backpage called "Alternatives to Suicide." [Because The Misc is shitty and has shoddy archives, this fails to be on the internet. All I can say is it involved drunk-dialing the White House, excessive crying, drinking, and swearing.]

Did I say there were alternatives to gloating? JK! Booyah, in yo' face!

I'll admit, McCain used to be a babe back in the day, but Obama is a babe now and that's all that really counts.

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