Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Introducing... The Real World: Congress

This is the true story of 7 congressmen (and women), picked to live in a Capitol Hill row house and have their lives taped. Find out what happens when politicians stop being polite and start getting real. The Real World: Congress.

"Welcome to the House"

"My name is Charles Schumer, but I go by Chuck or sometimes Chuckie (chuckles). Naw, Chuck is fine. I'm the Senior Democratic Senator from NY, I'm 58 years old - born and raised in Brooklyn. What do I love about New York? New York is real, it's scrappy, it doesn't hide itself from anybody - like me, I think I'm kinda like that. I love that and I love Zabar's, especially Dan Zabar, that chunky love machine.

What I hope to get out of this experience is just to have some fun, get some down time. A couple of these guys I've been around a long time (chuckles) some might say too long. Others not so much. I think I can be kinda opinionated but that doesn't mean I don' respect other people's points of views. Unless they are total schmucks, then yeah, not so much. (laughs) Kidding!"

"I'm so thrilled to be here, to be chosen for The Real World, to be chosen by the people of the great state of Illinois. My name is Aaron, I'm a representative of the 18th district Illinois. I'm only 26, but I wouldn't say I'm inexperienced (winks, laughs). This experience is going to be great for me - not only do I get to work with some of these guys on legislation, but I can pick their brains at home. They're all incredible public servants. Especially John McCain, I mean, the man is an American hero.

I would say my style is... well, I don't want to say young - but definitely more modern. The usual politico gettup is pretty restricting; I'm not afraid to diverge a little bit, mix it up with a bit of color in the tie. I'm more than red or blue, you know? I like to go for that middle ground, i.e. purple. Maybe a nice lavender or periwinkle. Well I don't really think too much about fashion, but if I had an icon... hmm a fashion icon? I guess I'd have to go with Brody from the Hills. He's a good mix of casual and flair. He's a good looking guy!"

"What the fuck are we doing again? I'm supposed to talk about myself? Alright, fine. I'm Rahm Emmanuel, I was a rep from Illinois but I was recently called up to be Barack's Chief of Staff. I'm doing this because my wife doesn't want to move back to the Capitol, our family got back settled in Illinois after Clinton. That good? Well what the fuck else do you want me to say? I would say I'm easy to get along with - I mean, there might be some personality differences at first and a little awkwardness with McCain, but I don't think anyone will be causing me major problems.

Yes, it's true my nickname is 'Rahmbo,' but you better tell that little shit Aaron Schock not to even contemplate calling me that if he wants to live in this house. Christ, I hope I just don't get roomed with fucking Schumer... (inaudible grumble) dipshit. Yes! It's true. You wanna see it? (camera swings away and focuses on carpet) Here it is. Here's my finger - happy now?!"

(sleeping in interview chair. snores loudly. voice of camera man can be heard in the background: "Senator McCain? Senator?" Disembodied hand reaches into frame and pokes Senator McCain on the knee. He sits up with a jolt and screams a word that sounds like "VIRGINIA!") Oh right. Hi. Hello friends, my name is John McCain and I'm running for pr --- err -- I'm a Senator from Arizona. (stares off for a moment with slightly glassy eyes) 

My greatest pet peeve? People who don't give American heroes the respect they deserve. Oh and also, these new-fangled boxer-briefs. Are they boxers or are they briefs? Pick one. Back in my day there was just one type of skivvy - young men had more important things to worry about than what covered up their downstairs business. What else? The facebook, and people who walk too fast in a group, oh and the way Chris Matthews mouth is so wide and constantly open. And his blonde hair. Please. Let's not pretend, Chris. I know we can't all be as good-looking with gray hair as Anderson Cooper, but c'mon. Give up the ghost... Now, where was I?"

"He-ey, I'm Michelle Bachmann. I'm from Minnesota. I'm a wife -- been married to my wonderful husband Marcus for 30 years - hi Markie-poo! (wiggles fingers and grins, breaks into giggles) and I'm a mom - we have 23 foster children and 5 real kids. And I'm a senator, too. My favorite things are God - I'm totes hot for Jesus, our Lord and Savior - America and Dancing with the Stars - omigod, did you watch the last season? Rocco DiSpirito is so cute! He's what?? Oh dear. Oh. Ew. Well I will say a prayer for him in that case. Oh dear.."

"WHAT UP AMERICAAAAAAA! DC stand UP! Representing the District - I'm Eleanor Holmes Norton. I'm really looking forward to this year, we're gonna get the vote, I really feel it. Up til now I've been standing on the House floor with my lip zipped, which gets a little frustrating, especially with all the bullllllllssssshit coming out of the mouths of some of my colleagues. (to interviewer) Anyone in the house, you mean? (laughs) Nooooo. Of course not. 

The only conflict I can really see having with anyone in the house is over my cereal. I eat a bowl of Cap'n Crunch with whole milk every morning. It's like my morning coffee. White people drink lattes, I eat my Cap'n Crunch. If I don't get a vote, I better damn well at least get my morning bowl of Cap'n Crunch. Other than that its peaches and cream, baby."

"My name is Bernie Sanders, I'm originally from Brooklyn -- Chuck Schumer and I actually both went to James Madison High there, but I graduated a few years before him. Fucking Brooklyn, its all overrun by those damn kids with those weird hats and the whatsit terrorist scarves. Now I live in Vermont. I'm a democratic socialist and an independent, politically speaking. My favorite way to relax? Well, lets just stick with 'herbal remedies' for the sake of the FCC. That, and farming.
The first thing people notice about me is my glasses, I think. They're kind of distinctive I think. Someone said I look like Ruth Bader Ginsberg, which was supposed to be an insult - clearly, but whatever - have you seen pictures of her back in the day? She was hot. And she's also from BK (what what Brooklyn we roll hard!) and JMHS, so I'm cool with that."  

Stay tuned for episode one. You know that politicians invented backstabbing...

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