What the Death of Radar Means (Print is Dead-ish)

Foremost and most importantly, it means that we are totes not rejected by Radar anymore. In a semi-ironic(?) twist of fate, Radar itself has been rejected—rejected by its own investors. Unfortunately, they didn't pay us so we don't super super care. I mean, we care. It's sad. But hey, now we can hook up with our former superiors (says Meg, not me). My main regret is that I never got a chance to take that book about the history of potato chips. And that I transcribed five hours of interviews with Pete Wentz, Pete Wentz's manager, and the fat lead singer of Fall Out Boy. All for naught. Sigh. Despite my being a fairly unproductive intern (though at an internship like this, watching every episode of The Hills and Gossip Girl at work should be considered at least somewhat relevent), I somehow managed the have the lead "story" on the website on the day of its demise. How does this make me feel? My first thought was, "Sweet, the site will totes get more traffic than usual today." My second thought was, "And hey, no one will be updating for a while, so maybe it'll just stay there." Actually my real first thought was, "Shit, I am so applying to grad school."

So, yeah, grad school it is. The recession should be over by the time I've finished an MFA in poetry. Well, and I already emailed Gawker to see if they want any former Radar interns.

RIP

So the day after Molly's quiz goes up, Radar folds. What a great time to embark on a career in publishing, huh?

Why don't you...

watch some cable television.

LOLBono

(What I Did) When I Was (at) Seventeen...

-Met the cast of Degrassi and talked to Snake about "going all the way with Stephanie Kaye." That would be a reference to the 1986 first season of Degrassi Junior High. And yes, that would be the year I was born. Liberty was surprisingly good looking and I'm totes obsessed with Manny.

-Interviewed the stars of Mary Poppins on Broadway.

-Put together this slideshow of pictures of pets dressed up for Halloween by their teenaged girl owners. I like the Yoda dog.

-Yet another Pink makeover slideshow.

-Ashley Tisdale makeover! Some truly bad outfits and a new nose!

-Meet and Greet with rando guy I thought was in a band, but really is an actor and appeared in an episode of Greek.

-Reviewed W., which I have note seen. Because don't you want to know what your president was like when he was 17?

You know what sucks?

Graduating from a highly selective, coeducational liberal arts school in the scenic Hudson Valley and still not being able to get a job which will pay by the hour and total around $20k/year. That sucks.

Why don't you...

wear your scarf on your head like Juelz Santana and Jim Jones?

Postcards From Yo Daddy

Email from my dad, the infamous Howard:

Subject: Angst of trying to storm the Ivies -- locked admissions office at Brown!

I Rely on Bed-Stuy to Shut it Down if I Die

When I told my mom I was looking at an apartment in Bed-Stuy she said, no way. She lived in then-cheapo Brooklyn Heights in the early 80's, when Bed-Stuy was probably thought of as the most dangerous neighborhood in BK - I mean, even more than today. So I did my best to convince her otherwise.

I saw the apartment, liked my prospective roomie, and moved in immediately. My first week or two was classic awful-arriving-in-New-York, full of crying, confusion, and despair - or as I fondly called it, the Bed-Stuy Blues. They were the worst when I got a call saying that my neighbor had accidentally opened my mail and it was now waiting for me at the 81st precinct.

I headed over to the station, nervous because there had just been a gunfight in which two cops killed a guy on Hancock, a street that was en route to my destination. Also nerve-wracking was a BBQ held a few days earlier where five people were shot, not far away from my humble abode. I was already having a frustrating morning and couldn't find the station and this lady that I asked for directions (which turned out to be wrong) asked me for money for diapers and I was (still am) absolutely broke and when I said no she badgered me and I started crying, and she shouted after me as I turned around, why are you crying lady? So I did not arrive in the best mood.

The lady cop was not nice to me. No, she was nothing like Lil Wayne describes officers of the female variety in "Mrs. Officer." She asked me, why is your mail here? I replied, um, I have no idea why my crazy neighbor opened my mail and sent it here, I just wanna pick it up and leave. As I filled out a form, Lady Cop asked, why do you live here?

I was all naive. Oh, well I went to school in New York, and all my friends moved to the city afterward, and I want to work here, I said.

She gave me a funny look. No, she said, why did you move here? To this neighborhood?

Excuse me? I thought. I wanted to scream at her, why do you think I live in this neighborhood? Because I enjoy the ambiance of people getting shot a few blocks away from me? I live here because I can't afford to live in Williamsburg like everyone else, meanie Lady Cop!

But I don't remember what I said. I probably just mumbled something about my apartment being the first one I found on Craigslist. Lady Cop took my info and grumbled about not being able to find my package. At one point I asked, isn't it illegal to open someone else's mail?

Yeah, I guess, said Lady Cop with a bored look. Sign here.

I cried to my mom afterward. Meggie, nobody smart becomes a police officer, she said.

In hindsight Lady Cop was probably just having a bad day and took it out on me. But if that shit happened to me today, you bet I'd give her a piece of my mind. I don't want to move to Billyburg anymore because I love where I live. This is my hood, too. I pay taxes. I shop at local stores. I talk to my neighbors and am on a first-name basis with everyone at the bodegas. I go to church (well, went once, I'd like to go again if I could get my ass up on Sunday mornings). So don't give me a hard time, I feel as weird about the hipsters moving in as everyone else. I'm Bed-Stuy and proud baby, so ha.

LOLDebate

The Littlest Lohan Speaks

I am now a real journalist, despite my best efforts to remain a fake one.

For your reading pleasure, my Seventeen.com interview with Ali Lohan.

How to Enjoy Your Time At Vassar: A Guide for Blondes

Radar isn't the only place that reejed me. I guess this senior retrospective for the Misc was too hot to handle.



Arrive at freshman week with a handle of Bacardi Gold in your suitcase. Don’t forget to read section 3.02 of the Freshman Handbook, How to Be Ironic. Smoke a cigarette in the Mug and terrorize Betty. Don’t do the walk of shame, do the stride of pride. When someone compares you to Daisy Buchanan, don’t get upset. Embrace the comparison and run some bitch over. Start your weekend on Wednesday and nearly fail your Thursday 9 am English 170 with Wendy Graham. What the fuck is the mirror phase about anyway? You will only retain one memory of freshman year, so black out wisely.
Sophomore year, try to gain insight from your mistakes. Since you don’t remember the mistakes you made, invent them. Diversify the people you hook up with: otherwise you will have to avoid either the gym and get fat, or the library and get bad grades. Be the other woman. When his girlfriend slaps you at the Halloween party, remember to turn toward the slap. Write a villanelle about the experience. Josh Harmon will tell you it’s the best thing he’s ever read in 205.
Go JYA for the whole year. Break up with your boyfriend and date a 33-year-old native speaker; it’s the only way to become fluent. Never go to class. A year away will give you a clean slate, and most of the people you hooked up with will graduate, so you can go to the gym again.
Upon your return, discover that you can’t fulfill the requirements for your English major. You never got to take cool classes like Queer(y)[ing] the Postmodern Palimpsest, but you do speak Ye Olde Englishe and know “The Rape of the Lock” inside out. Win the superlative for Most Improved. Go to the Mug where Betty says, horrified, “You’re back?” Do not write a thesis. Instead, write a play based on your JYA romance. The whole thing takes place in bed. Make amends with everyone you vomited on. Stay single. You can’t be put in a cage – unless it’s a stripper cage. Don’t know what you’re doing after graduation. But the good news: you have a degree from Vassar. Hopefully the Old Girl Network will get you a job in publishing.

Dye your hair brown.

Bad Dialouge in Music Vids, Part I

Hilarious, old article that Radar never published. Only two vids so far but more coming I promise!

With the VMA's fast approaching, we asked ourselves: why is there no "Best Acting in a Music Video" category? True, it may seem like an oxymoron, but when musicians try to get their thespian on in their videos, the results are usually hilarious. Check out these artists who've earned themselves a spot in the Bad Acting in a Music Video Hall of Fame.


Believe it or not, before Paula Abdul became the resident slurring judge on American Idol, she was a singer herself! Her epic video for "Rush Rush" is based on Rebel Without a Cause and stars Keanu Reeves as tortured misfit Jeff and Paula as lovelorn Julie. The video begins in medias res, with Jeff woefully banging his head against a desk while being questioned by police and looking through a peephole at his parents. "I swore on my soul I'd never be like them!" he wails. We jump between the interrogations of Jeff and Julie, trying to figure out what the hell is going on. And um, it's not very clear - are they sibs or what? Julie's crying. And looks way too old to be in high school. The best so-awful-it's-amazing exchange occurs midway through the video (isn't it so wonderfully corny when they pause the vid for dialogue?), when Jeff tells Julie that as far as ever being in love, "If I was, I didn't know it." Whoa, profound! Keanu's delivery is pure Much Ado About Nothing in this vid, and it's awesome.

What Goes Around Comes Around (no embedding on this one...boo)
Can you believe that the person to blame for the cringe-worthy dialogue in this video is the same guy who adapted the screenplay for Blow? His unfortunate music video directorial debut stars Scarlett Johansson as an annoying dancer who thinks she's witty and Justin as a wimpified version of himself. I mean, would the real Justin Timberlake tell his friend that this chick he's known for a month is "the one"? And what sane woman would say she doesn't want the keys to Justin's castle like ScarJo does in this vid? But "What Goes Around" does get bonus enjoyably-bad points for pausing the video for dialogue, dialogue that just makes us uncomfortable at that! It may be awful, but how can you resist watching two such attractive people make out in drenched clothes in a pool, Leo-and-Claire style? The end justifies the means with this one.



Love, Meggie
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Now playing: Lil' Kim - Whoa
via FoxyTunes

(What I did) When I was (at) Seventeen (Today)...

-looked through outtakes from Ashley Tisdale's cover shoot

-uploaded another Zac Efron slideshow

-transcribed Littlest Lady Lohan interview (the original grammatically insane transcription coming soon!)

-met Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson

-interviewed "stars" of Nickelodeon's new High School Musical rip-off

This Is Why I'm Hot: A History of VPILFs

Before Sexy Sarah (the woman who holds our nation's hearts and hockey sticks), there was dreamy Johnny Edwards with his nice ass and shiny, shiny hair. Before him? Well, there's been a long line of Vice Presidents I'd Like to Fuck (henceforth, VPILFs) in our nation's history. Let's take a look back and see who all the ladies of the DAR wanted to bone.

And they call it puppy love....

With all the buzz around Sexy Sarah, in addition to the fact that Obama is a HOTTIE, I started thinking about my high school crushes. I am and have always been a huge history/political nerd, and when I was 16 or 17, I developed massive crushes on several world leaders. I'm having some trouble finding publicly held images, but here were my top two. First up was Vicente Fox. I mean, come on, he's got "fox" right in his name. Let's take a look:

Yes. I still agree with teenage Allie. He's got the whole silver fox thing going for him. Points off for being besties with W (they both loved taking long strolls on their ranches, epitomizing "cowboy style" and expelling tons of charisma with every breath). However, Fox was a slow burning love, while my feelings for Putin bordered on out and out obsession. Take a look:

God. Look at those soulful eyes. Plus he was a big mucky muck in the KGB! That might not incite sexual excitement from anyone else, but for me, it's a huge turn-on. He also saved Russia from becoming a totally failed state and launched his national projects in '05 that were made to help the common people, which earns him some serious cred. I'm not totally embarrased that I crushed on him in high school, except for the fact that now everyone thinks he's turned Russia somewhat fascist, operates as the new president's puppet master, and is in fact leading a shadow government of immense power. I can't believe I ever thought he was going to change the power relationship between Russia and the U.S. for the better. Oh well. You know what they say, time makes fools of us all.

I hope Radar is happy...

Because September 2nd, I submitted my application to them for an internship, including some ideas for stories. Looking at it now, I'm shocked at how prescient I was:
"The details and developments of the banking crisis seem all but indecipherable (unless you watch Jim Cramer's Mad Money for weeks straight). This piece would compare various potentially failing banks to trainwreck starlets. Will Washington Mutual fall prey to investor panic and fold like Anna Nicole Smith, or will it pull back from the brink of disaster and emerge as the banking world's Nicole Richie?"
DAMN. And that was before WaMu represented the biggest bank failure in American history! So basically what I'm saying is that Radar hates good journalism that speaks to future events that haven't come to pass yet. Too bad. I guess I'll have to just take my future telling elsewhere (maybe Cosmo?).

(What I Did) When I Was (at) Seventeen (Today)...

-interviewed Ali Lohan about her belief in ghosts and spirits

-cropped 35 pictures of Zac Efron

-wrote a makeover slideshow of Pink’s make-up and hair throughout the ages

-wrote a makeover slideshow of Ashley Tisdale’s clothes throughout the ages

-called candy companies to get high-resolution pictures of Life Savers and Sour Patch Kids

-found “the two hottest pictures of Penn Badgley” I could find

-tried to transcribe said Ali Lohan interview

LOLFashionWeek

All the things Radar rejected...

Hi. It turns out that the internet is not a fad, much as we would like it to be. What This Means For You: We had to start a blog. A blog of all of our ideas that Radar couldn’t handle. Sigh.

xoxo

Molly & Meg