Tuesday, June 16, 2009

NYTimes WTF: Miley Cyrus

"Scalpers respond with a metaphysical question: Who is a true Miley Cyrus fan? Anyone who watches Hannah Montana? Someone who shrieks ecstatically at the mention of Cyrus’s name? Who swoons? Scalping provides a way to calibrate a fan’s passion by what she is willing to pay for a ticket. 'I love Miley $50 worth.' 'Well, I love her $100 worth.' "

Add in an "OMG" and this sounds like something I'd write for Seventeen.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Gossip Girl is Art, "Totally Meta" says The New York Times, Me

"Professing his deep admiration for the show’s revelatory narcotic effect, Mr. Phillips cited the overlap between issues he’s tackled on canvas and the many themes explored on “Gossip Girl,” such as 'lost virginity, teen pregnancy, divorce, rape, manslaughter, suspected homicide, teen suicide, gay sexual identity, eating disorders, criminal blackmail, theft, as well as drug addiction and sex with multiple partners.'"
-The New York Times

"Does life imitate Gossip Girl or does Gossip Girl imitate life? Now that's a philosophical conundrum for the ages! They've already got their three real-life cast couples making out on screen (Dan & Serena, Blair & Carter, Chuck & Vanessa) and all over NYC. And now there's another totally meta GG connection! Taylor Momsen, perhaps inspired by Little J's work designing dresses for Eleanor Waldorf, is designing clothes now too! "

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Random House FAIL

RE: Call in for Radar Magazine

Molly- I know it haas been a while—but just wanted to check in and see if anything for THE STORY OF FORGETTING is slated to run? It is coming out in paperback this month

[Redacted], Publicity

Random House, Spiegel & Grau, The Dial Press


How long has it been now since Radar folded? Oh yeah, almost SIX months.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

One Fart

The art of boozing isn’t hard to master;
so many bottles seem filled with my drink
(beer, any kind) that I become disaster.

Like Friday, I meet this guy they call Blaster.
Gross, right? He grabs my ass and I just wink.
The art of boozing isn’t hard to master.

He comes back to my place. We’re playing pastor
and alter boy. God I need a new shrink.
At least the night isn’t quite a disaster.

It’s getting hot and heavy. He goes faster
and I get so close I can’t even think.
The art of boozing is not hard to master.

But then, a stench!—My nose is so harassed or,
rather, burning, I lose it in a blink.
’Kay, now this night is a total disaster.

--He wants to keep going. He’s such a long laster,
but I’m done. I go puke in the sink.
The art of boozing’s not too hard to master,
though it can end in (Smell it!) in disaster.

Friday, February 6, 2009

25 Things About Ze

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you that absolutely no one cares about except for you, because you're uninteresting. At the end, choose 25 unsuspecting and unfortunate people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you, should you choose to engage in this wonderful feat of narcissism. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you, but mainly because I want to talk/think/write/share about myself. Me me me. You are obviously exempt if you have already posted.

To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) click publish, then cry yourself to sleep. Here goes!!
1. I wet the bed for the majority of my childhood... and last night. But that was an accident..2. I aborted your child. Sorry I didn't consult you beforehand.3. I was born with both male and female genitalia4. My great-uncle Rod used to call me Bumblebee and touch me inappropriately5. When I said "it's not you, its me".. yah, about that, it wasn't me. It was totally you. You needed to shower more often.6. I used my roommates razor to shave my special parts in the shower7. When I was born, I had a giant tumor on my neck the size of a tennis ball. They tell me this was my biological twin. I saved him in a jar, which sits next to my bed and whom I refer to as "Mr. Fred."8. I um rally tarable @ spellin & gramar, but whatevs - in like 5 years well be talkin in chat tongue. g2g!!*~*~9. I slept with a guy so I could use his employee discount at Abercrombie10. I had a crush on my second cousin in middle school at which point I learned we were related. Alright, I still have a crush on them.11. My favorite snack to eat alone is dry toast with marinara sauce and gefilte fish. Yummmm.12. I think about Nick Jonas in the shower. Sometimes I imagine all three of them touching me with their soft pre-pubescent hands.13. My Mother loves my sisters more. She told me.14. I enjoy picking my nose.15. Sometimes on warm, spring days, when the birds are chirping and the flowers are blooming and the grass is green and freshly cut, I like to sit outside and lay on the ground and look up at the sky, and at the clouds, and think deep thoughts about, like, life and shit.16.  I'm a bitch sometimes, and I don't think I should feel bad about it. I'm just honest. I am. And that's fine. I don't feel bad at all. Whatever.17. One time I hooked up with this really cute guy, but then I sharted in his bed, and so I could never see him again. I'm pretty sure we would have been soulmates otherwise.18. I live with regrets. I regret a lot, actually. 19. My favorite actor is Mel Gibson - the man is so timeless. 20. Sometimes people ask me why I have a weird look on my face. Generally I am thinking about the ways I could kill them, and what I would do with their bodies. 21. I still sleep with a light on, because I'm afraid, but more because I hate the environment and want to waste as much energy as possible. 22. My favorite book is US Weekly's Style Issue.23. I can't stand the sight of traffic cones, ugh. They are so orangey and triangle-y.24. I think I'm wanted for tax evasion. Add that to the outstanding warrants... LOL!25. One time this girl was being a total beyotch to me, so I ran over her cat with my car. Then I backed up and did it again. Whoopsieeeee. 

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Introducing... The Real World: Congress

This is the true story of 7 congressmen (and women), picked to live in a Capitol Hill row house and have their lives taped. Find out what happens when politicians stop being polite and start getting real. The Real World: Congress.

"Welcome to the House"

"My name is Charles Schumer, but I go by Chuck or sometimes Chuckie (chuckles). Naw, Chuck is fine. I'm the Senior Democratic Senator from NY, I'm 58 years old - born and raised in Brooklyn. What do I love about New York? New York is real, it's scrappy, it doesn't hide itself from anybody - like me, I think I'm kinda like that. I love that and I love Zabar's, especially Dan Zabar, that chunky love machine.

What I hope to get out of this experience is just to have some fun, get some down time. A couple of these guys I've been around a long time (chuckles) some might say too long. Others not so much. I think I can be kinda opinionated but that doesn't mean I don' respect other people's points of views. Unless they are total schmucks, then yeah, not so much. (laughs) Kidding!"

"I'm so thrilled to be here, to be chosen for The Real World, to be chosen by the people of the great state of Illinois. My name is Aaron, I'm a representative of the 18th district Illinois. I'm only 26, but I wouldn't say I'm inexperienced (winks, laughs). This experience is going to be great for me - not only do I get to work with some of these guys on legislation, but I can pick their brains at home. They're all incredible public servants. Especially John McCain, I mean, the man is an American hero.

I would say my style is... well, I don't want to say young - but definitely more modern. The usual politico gettup is pretty restricting; I'm not afraid to diverge a little bit, mix it up with a bit of color in the tie. I'm more than red or blue, you know? I like to go for that middle ground, i.e. purple. Maybe a nice lavender or periwinkle. Well I don't really think too much about fashion, but if I had an icon... hmm a fashion icon? I guess I'd have to go with Brody from the Hills. He's a good mix of casual and flair. He's a good looking guy!"

"What the fuck are we doing again? I'm supposed to talk about myself? Alright, fine. I'm Rahm Emmanuel, I was a rep from Illinois but I was recently called up to be Barack's Chief of Staff. I'm doing this because my wife doesn't want to move back to the Capitol, our family got back settled in Illinois after Clinton. That good? Well what the fuck else do you want me to say? I would say I'm easy to get along with - I mean, there might be some personality differences at first and a little awkwardness with McCain, but I don't think anyone will be causing me major problems.

Yes, it's true my nickname is 'Rahmbo,' but you better tell that little shit Aaron Schock not to even contemplate calling me that if he wants to live in this house. Christ, I hope I just don't get roomed with fucking Schumer... (inaudible grumble) dipshit. Yes! It's true. You wanna see it? (camera swings away and focuses on carpet) Here it is. Here's my finger - happy now?!"

(sleeping in interview chair. snores loudly. voice of camera man can be heard in the background: "Senator McCain? Senator?" Disembodied hand reaches into frame and pokes Senator McCain on the knee. He sits up with a jolt and screams a word that sounds like "VIRGINIA!") Oh right. Hi. Hello friends, my name is John McCain and I'm running for pr --- err -- I'm a Senator from Arizona. (stares off for a moment with slightly glassy eyes) 

My greatest pet peeve? People who don't give American heroes the respect they deserve. Oh and also, these new-fangled boxer-briefs. Are they boxers or are they briefs? Pick one. Back in my day there was just one type of skivvy - young men had more important things to worry about than what covered up their downstairs business. What else? The facebook, and people who walk too fast in a group, oh and the way Chris Matthews mouth is so wide and constantly open. And his blonde hair. Please. Let's not pretend, Chris. I know we can't all be as good-looking with gray hair as Anderson Cooper, but c'mon. Give up the ghost... Now, where was I?"

"He-ey, I'm Michelle Bachmann. I'm from Minnesota. I'm a wife -- been married to my wonderful husband Marcus for 30 years - hi Markie-poo! (wiggles fingers and grins, breaks into giggles) and I'm a mom - we have 23 foster children and 5 real kids. And I'm a senator, too. My favorite things are God - I'm totes hot for Jesus, our Lord and Savior - America and Dancing with the Stars - omigod, did you watch the last season? Rocco DiSpirito is so cute! He's what?? Oh dear. Oh. Ew. Well I will say a prayer for him in that case. Oh dear.."

"WHAT UP AMERICAAAAAAA! DC stand UP! Representing the District - I'm Eleanor Holmes Norton. I'm really looking forward to this year, we're gonna get the vote, I really feel it. Up til now I've been standing on the House floor with my lip zipped, which gets a little frustrating, especially with all the bullllllllssssshit coming out of the mouths of some of my colleagues. (to interviewer) Anyone in the house, you mean? (laughs) Nooooo. Of course not. 

The only conflict I can really see having with anyone in the house is over my cereal. I eat a bowl of Cap'n Crunch with whole milk every morning. It's like my morning coffee. White people drink lattes, I eat my Cap'n Crunch. If I don't get a vote, I better damn well at least get my morning bowl of Cap'n Crunch. Other than that its peaches and cream, baby."

"My name is Bernie Sanders, I'm originally from Brooklyn -- Chuck Schumer and I actually both went to James Madison High there, but I graduated a few years before him. Fucking Brooklyn, its all overrun by those damn kids with those weird hats and the whatsit terrorist scarves. Now I live in Vermont. I'm a democratic socialist and an independent, politically speaking. My favorite way to relax? Well, lets just stick with 'herbal remedies' for the sake of the FCC. That, and farming.
The first thing people notice about me is my glasses, I think. They're kind of distinctive I think. Someone said I look like Ruth Bader Ginsberg, which was supposed to be an insult - clearly, but whatever - have you seen pictures of her back in the day? She was hot. And she's also from BK (what what Brooklyn we roll hard!) and JMHS, so I'm cool with that."  

Stay tuned for episode one. You know that politicians invented backstabbing...

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Recent Insights From the New York Times

In their review of Twilight, that vegan vampire-babe filled saga I've been counting down to for Seventeen.com:

"Based on the foundational book in Stephenie Meyer’s best-selling multivolume series, “The Twilight Saga” (four doorstops and counting), this carefully faithful adaptation traces the sighs and whispers, the shy glances and furious glares of two unlikely teenage lovers who fall into each other’s pale, pale arms amid swirling hormones, raging instincts, high school dramas and oh-so-confusing feelings, like, OMG he’s SO HOT!! Does he like ME?? Will he KILL me??? I don’t CARE!!! :)"

The Sunday Times Magazine, on Miley Cyrus:

"In the video for '7 Things' she wears Nick’s diabetes dog tags while singing about how his vanity and insecurity undermined their relationship. The Brett Ratner video shows a variety of bummed teenage girls crying, screaming, punching teddy bears and freaking out. Miley is its charismatic center. When she flashes Nick’s dog tags and a picture of the two of them together, she seems so vindictive and so embarrassingly vulnerable, just like . . . a 15-year-old suffering her first serious heartbreak, basically. 'When you mean it I’ll believe it, if you text it I’ll delete it,' she sings, perfectly capturing our confusing age of technologically mediated courtship."

And this delicious bio of Obama's new chief of staff Rahm Emanuel:

He was born Nov. 29, 1959, in Chicago. He received a liberal arts degree from Sarah Lawrence College, and a masters from Northwestern. He served briefly as a civilian volunteer on an Israeli military base during the Persian Gulf war of 1991. In his youth, Mr. Emanuel badly cut a finger on a meat slicer while working at an Arby’s. The wound became infected, and he lost half of the middle finger on his right hand. The shortened digit is something of a trademark. As a young man, Mr. Emanuel trained as a ballet dancer. His brother, Ari Emanuel, a Hollywood agent, is the model for the abrasive agent Ari Gold in the HBO series “Entourage.”

Monday, November 24, 2008

From the Interoffice E-mail Annals

From: Acacia M. O'Connor 
Sent: Monday, November 24, 2008 10:21 AM
To: WorkStaff
Subject: turkey legs in the kitchen  

Team - Had a bunch of stuff leftover from early thanksgiving so there's some delicious homemade oversized turkey drumsticks in the kitchen! I know I sure could use a little dark meat on a Monday Morning, I don't know about you. :-) I ask that you take just one so there's enough to go around. THX!!



Acacia M. O'Connor
Assistant to the Assistant Director of Communications
ph.: (202) 555-5555fax: (202) 900-9000

Friday, November 21, 2008

Words in (Cyber)Space: The Collected Text Messages of Elizabeth Bishop and Robert Lowell

From: liz bishop
the art of losing. Where the f are my keys?? Shit.
Nov 20, 7:34 pm


From: rob l.
Did you lose them?? i'm losin it here -my minds not right. Fucking boston is cold as balls
Nov 20, 7:38 pm


From: liz bishop
Ew balls are gross
Nov 20, 7:41 pm


From: rob l.
You've got to get over that shit if you're going to be a poet. that reminds me - when u comin over?
Nov 20, 7:44 pm


From: liz bishop
Dont try to booty call me. U kno im lez rite?
Nov 20, 7:50 pm


From: rob l.
Um you're not over that yet? I thought u were playing hard 2 get. whatever i'll wait
Nov 20, 7:51 pm


From: rob l.
marry me!
Nov 20, 7:54 pm


From: liz bishop
I mean if neither of us is married by the time we're like forty i'll consider it. Go bone anotehr liz. And yo fuck prop 8 in CA. Wanna go 2 brazil?
Nov 20, 7:54 pm


From: rob l.
you're killing me. Ok Fine. But I'm bringing other liz and no Fucking way am i wearing shorts
Nov 20, 7:56 pm


From: liz bishop
I have a gf
Nov 20, 7:56 pm


From: rob l.
Nov 20, 7:57 pm


From: liz bishop
Fine. But with me other liz and my girl. Ur not invited. Go hang with jerrell.
Nov 20, 7:58 pm


From: rob l.
whatever. den't be a bitch. i got some scotch and valium - just come over
Nov 20, 8:02 pm


From: liz bishop
ooh i like scotch
Nov 20, 8:03 pm


From: rob l.
Who doesn't? Liz....
Nov 20, 8:04 pm


From: liz bishop
What kind of scotch?? I'm only coming over if it costs over a hundred bucks an ounce
Nov 20, 8:05 pm


From: rob l.
forget how much the effing scotch costs. Its good scotch- i have something to tell you
Nov 20, 8:06 pm


From: liz bishop
God. What.
Nov 20, 8:06 pm


From: rob l.
i love you! you know you love me too!
Nov 20, 8:07 pm


From: liz bishop
Rob i don't know how to tell you this or how many times I've got to tell you. im lezbo! I'm a sam ron and you will never be my lilo.
Nov 20, 8:11 pm

From: rob l.
wtf i'm a poet- i'm sensitive. And i'm an effing lowell! You're just pulling a K Perry.
Nov 20, 8:15 pm


From: liz bishop
ur a fag
Nov 20, 8:39 pm


From: rob l.
i hate my life. . drunk. Wnt to diie ;-( &knzff
Nov 20, 8: pm


From: liz bishop
come on robbie. chill man. hold on. i'm coming over. save some booze for me.
Nov 20, 8:43 pm
Stored: Nov 20, 9:01 pm


Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Scientists Discover Main Gate is Actually Morality Sinkhole

Second Morality-free alternate dimension suspected to surround THs

Scientists made an alarming discovery on Monday when, upon entering the Main Gate of Vassar College, a small liberal arts college in the heart of the scenic Hudson River Valley, they passed into what has now been dubbed a "morality sinkhole."

The perimeter of the void encompasses the entirety of the main campus, researchers say, with a satellite abyss surrounding the Town Houses and Prentiss Fields. Additional hotspots include the fifth floor of Lathrop House and the Mug. Authorities speculate that further, off-campus morally depraved hot-spots may exist at selection locales on LaGrange Ave and College Ave.

Within these bounds, actions typically considered illicit, promicuous, immoral, sinful or just plain fucked up are rendered harmless, null and socially acceptable upon entering the gates.

The news about the value-free parallel universe caused mixed reactions on campus and in the Poughkeepsie community.

Many faculty members and administration seemed shocked by the revelation and expressed deep concern for what the news might mean for the future of the college, an esteemed member of the Seven Sisters schools and a historic bastion of liberal elitism.

"Of course we're alarmed, and we're doing all we can to ensure the security and well-being of our students consciences," said President Catharine Bond Hill in an e-mailed statement. "We think our student's virtues are on par with our peer institutions. They certainly can't be any less moral than Bard or Wesleyan. Or even, God forbid, Yale."

She added that in the coming days the college would be forming an emergency ad hoc committee and several sub-committees consisting of both students, faculty and staff to help solve the crisis. Additionally there will be a town hall style meeting in UpCDC where a panel of experts, including the head of Sociology Department, College trustee Meryl Streep, editors from student erotica magazine Squirm, and formerly promiscuous VC alum and campus legend Meg Prossnitz '08, will talk about their feelings on this important issue.

Students and alumni, however, showed no signs of surprise.

"I mean, it's pretty much known, I feel. It's just a sense you get of 'anything-goes,'" said Sam Bloch '09. "At first it's freeing and you kind of take advantage of it, you gain a sense of moral depravity, but then it eventually wears on you."

Recent graduates say re-introduction into a world where right action has intrinsic moral value and treating others poorly has social consequences is a long and arduous process.

"It takes a good six months to regain your moral compass," said Jake Greenberg-Toole '08. "There are like these implicit codes of how to behave out here, and its like if you don't follow them, people won't like you and they definitely won't make out with you."

Other graduates admitted to feeling surprised when members of the opposite sex asked them to go on multiple "dates," that controlled substances were not easily obtained nor are there ample locales to consume them, heavy drinking in the early afternoon was construed as a symptom of alcoholism, people were not "heteroflexible" and public urination had become a punishable offense.

"I got a $250 ticket for peeing on the L-train!" said Nick "Wiggles" Bell '07/8. "Fuck that."

The research team has been working alongside a Spiritual Defense Corps in an attempt to stabilize the area before more feelings were hurt and more emotional problems developed. Lead scientist Henrietta Whitehorn said the cause of the parallel dimension and moral canyon were still unclear, though early tests indicated it may be tied to high levels of callousness and emotional problems, further tied to a disproportionately high level of trust funds among the student population.

However, even recent alums may still be in the danger zone. Any student who is still "dating" (or in the words of students, "casually boning") a current Vassar student is still at risk for emotional damage and possible irreparable harm.

Additionally, on some occasions the moral damage done while on the scenic Poughkeepsie campus may be long-lasting and continue on for months or even years after graduation. "Yeah, I'm still a DJ. I even did the Halloween dance in the Villard Room this year," said Evan Lowell-Stein '06 a.k.a. the aptly named DJ, Friends With Benefits.

"I don't see what the big deal is. It seems like a simple matter of transition," said a member of the class of '08 who asked to remain anonymous due to pending legal action. "I mean, I went from growing weed in my closet in Joss to growing it in my apartment in Park Slope. At least some of what I learned in college transfers into skills for the real world."

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Hawt Obama Girl Seeks Invite to the Ball

SWF seeks OWD (old white dude) with tickets to inaugural ball; will promise companionship, witty banter, dancing, hotness etc. I'll be your Cinderella!! (as in, I will disappear at midnight/run off with a sexy hill press aide) Republicans need not apply, unless you are Aaron Schock.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Alternatives to Gloating

Four years ago at this time, Sam and I were wrote a Backpage called "Alternatives to Suicide." [Because The Misc is shitty and has shoddy archives, this fails to be on the internet. All I can say is it involved drunk-dialing the White House, excessive crying, drinking, and swearing.]

Did I say there were alternatives to gloating? JK! Booyah, in yo' face!

I'll admit, McCain used to be a babe back in the day, but Obama is a babe now and that's all that really counts.

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