Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Scientists Discover Main Gate is Actually Morality Sinkhole

Second Morality-free alternate dimension suspected to surround THs

Scientists made an alarming discovery on Monday when, upon entering the Main Gate of Vassar College, a small liberal arts college in the heart of the scenic Hudson River Valley, they passed into what has now been dubbed a "morality sinkhole."

The perimeter of the void encompasses the entirety of the main campus, researchers say, with a satellite abyss surrounding the Town Houses and Prentiss Fields. Additional hotspots include the fifth floor of Lathrop House and the Mug. Authorities speculate that further, off-campus morally depraved hot-spots may exist at selection locales on LaGrange Ave and College Ave.

Within these bounds, actions typically considered illicit, promicuous, immoral, sinful or just plain fucked up are rendered harmless, null and socially acceptable upon entering the gates.

The news about the value-free parallel universe caused mixed reactions on campus and in the Poughkeepsie community.

Many faculty members and administration seemed shocked by the revelation and expressed deep concern for what the news might mean for the future of the college, an esteemed member of the Seven Sisters schools and a historic bastion of liberal elitism.

"Of course we're alarmed, and we're doing all we can to ensure the security and well-being of our students consciences," said President Catharine Bond Hill in an e-mailed statement. "We think our student's virtues are on par with our peer institutions. They certainly can't be any less moral than Bard or Wesleyan. Or even, God forbid, Yale."

She added that in the coming days the college would be forming an emergency ad hoc committee and several sub-committees consisting of both students, faculty and staff to help solve the crisis. Additionally there will be a town hall style meeting in UpCDC where a panel of experts, including the head of Sociology Department, College trustee Meryl Streep, editors from student erotica magazine Squirm, and formerly promiscuous VC alum and campus legend Meg Prossnitz '08, will talk about their feelings on this important issue.

Students and alumni, however, showed no signs of surprise.

"I mean, it's pretty much known, I feel. It's just a sense you get of 'anything-goes,'" said Sam Bloch '09. "At first it's freeing and you kind of take advantage of it, you gain a sense of moral depravity, but then it eventually wears on you."

Recent graduates say re-introduction into a world where right action has intrinsic moral value and treating others poorly has social consequences is a long and arduous process.

"It takes a good six months to regain your moral compass," said Jake Greenberg-Toole '08. "There are like these implicit codes of how to behave out here, and its like if you don't follow them, people won't like you and they definitely won't make out with you."

Other graduates admitted to feeling surprised when members of the opposite sex asked them to go on multiple "dates," that controlled substances were not easily obtained nor are there ample locales to consume them, heavy drinking in the early afternoon was construed as a symptom of alcoholism, people were not "heteroflexible" and public urination had become a punishable offense.

"I got a $250 ticket for peeing on the L-train!" said Nick "Wiggles" Bell '07/8. "Fuck that."

The research team has been working alongside a Spiritual Defense Corps in an attempt to stabilize the area before more feelings were hurt and more emotional problems developed. Lead scientist Henrietta Whitehorn said the cause of the parallel dimension and moral canyon were still unclear, though early tests indicated it may be tied to high levels of callousness and emotional problems, further tied to a disproportionately high level of trust funds among the student population.

However, even recent alums may still be in the danger zone. Any student who is still "dating" (or in the words of students, "casually boning") a current Vassar student is still at risk for emotional damage and possible irreparable harm.

Additionally, on some occasions the moral damage done while on the scenic Poughkeepsie campus may be long-lasting and continue on for months or even years after graduation. "Yeah, I'm still a DJ. I even did the Halloween dance in the Villard Room this year," said Evan Lowell-Stein '06 a.k.a. the aptly named DJ, Friends With Benefits.

"I don't see what the big deal is. It seems like a simple matter of transition," said a member of the class of '08 who asked to remain anonymous due to pending legal action. "I mean, I went from growing weed in my closet in Joss to growing it in my apartment in Park Slope. At least some of what I learned in college transfers into skills for the real world."

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